So Poly did end up in a second threesome in the week after the sex party. John’s former fling, let’s call her Judy, arrived at John’s place the other night and much sex was had by all. Judy was pretty taken by Poly and has apparently asked John to give her Poly’s number so they could “stay in contact”. However the number was not passed on by John…which is not surprising. Poly tells me that she thinks this is because John does not want Judy and Poly to hook up with without him.
Ahh jealousy! Even when you are super-hot and have sex on tap, this thing called jealousy is still there. Usually jealousy is really just about feeling rejected or abandoned. It could also be associated with betrayal, or it could be grief at the loss of intimacy. Jealousy has many faces, but in this instance it’s just plain old vanilla FOMO.
There has been a lot of sex recently for Poly, and she describes to me how there is a ramping up that happens. The more she has sex, the more she wants to have sex. When talking about all this we have mentioned “it”, and we have skirted around “it” a couple of times, but the question remains: is Poly addicted to sex?
Certainly when you read the literature on sex addiction, it would seem that she is. However, most of this literature has been written by men. And if Poly does have sex addiction, what does that actually mean?
I’ve worked with a variety of men’s groups, and I’ve even been to a Sex and Love Addicts anonymous meeting, which was an all-male meeting. What I hear when talking about sex addiction with men is that there are associated behaviors that make sex addiction debilitating. There is no doubt that sex addiction is a real problem, that’s not in dispute. What’s interesting is how it differs from what is happening with Poly.
Is Poly hooking up with random strangers in back alleys and public toilets? Uhmmm, No! For Poly there is a rigid diary structure and compartmentalization of time when it comes to who she meets up with. The first meeting with someone is in a public place and there is usually no sex. She also has to have both a strong physical attraction to them as well as some level of intellectual connection. She also wants to know that she is disease free, so safe sex is a precondition. There are no sex workers and visual imagery is more “erotica” than “porn” and to be enjoyed WITH someone, not alone. All in all, it’s not sounding very addictivey.
Sure the ramping up of desire and craving more and more is something Poly is aware of, but the real test of an addiction is whether or not it disrupts normal everyday functioning. Well this is not the case for Poly. She wants to feel that connection with the other person/people, and this is not just a physiological thing like taking a drug or getting drunk.
All that said, I would point out that I really only know sex addiction from a male perspective. Or to be more concise, from an ugly man’s perspective.
I’m 14 years sober (ie without having had sex) and it’s been nearly 20 years since I let go of my addiction to pornography. I don’t think it’s wrong, I just don’t like the manipulation and for me there is a greater issue of control. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I have something called Sexual Anorexia. Well, sort-of-ish.
Typically “Sexual Anorexia” is the opposite end of the same spectrum as sexual bulimia (binging) which is the classic image you might have of a sex addict. The anorexia is associated with a fear of intimacy and in some instances would involve the use of sex services, however I’ve never been to a sex worker. Also in sexual anorexia there should be an absence of hunger for sex, but in my case that’s not accurate at all. I crave constantly.
For me there is the fear of intimacy, but the main reason I resonate with the pathology is because there is a need for ANY FORM OF CONTROL around something over which I really have no control at all. I have no control over interacting with women because, as previously stated, I’m not that appealing to women.
Sure, the typical response if I say this to someone is “oh but for women looks are not as important”, or “but you’re a really nice guy”, or “there is someone for everyone”, or “but you just need to be positive and keep hope that you’ll find someone”. To which my respective answers are “bullshit”, “so what”, “who says, the media trying to sell you something?” and “hope is the fucking problem you idiot”.
Poly and I both crave sex, and I am writing about her flood of hook-ups, whilst suffering a pathological drought. Yep, this blog is really fire and ice stuff.
So what does being ugly have to do with it?
To understand why it is important, take look at some other common pathologies and then consider the specific context or environment in which that pathology exists.
Consider for instance a women with actual anorexia, where in large part it is about the exercise of extreme control over something that they CAN control, all because they live in world where they feel they have no agency. For a normal average person this would be bad. Now what happens if the person concerned were in a different context? What happens if they are a model? Suddenly the context and environment is different and the disease is therefore different. It’s still debilitating, but the context has changed what the pathology means, in this case because it is economically supportive whilst also being debilitating.
Now consider a second pathology of narcissism. A person with narcissism is self-absorbed, often associated with a malformation of empathy. Without going into too much detail, a person with narcissism is only really concerned with their own reality and for all intents and purposes, they are the centre of the universe, because that is how they understand the universe. In a normal everyday context, this is debilitating, but what happens if this person is also an incredibly successful musician and performer, who has accumulated a vast amount of wealth, fame and influence. Through simple attrition they will end up being surrounded by people who support this idea that they are the centre of everything, to such an extent that they ACTUALLY ARE the centre of everything. Think Michael Jackson and you’ll get what I mean.
What happens when the environment supports the pathology?
For me, I would have loved to have been able to have as much sex as possible. It would have been great, I would have given it a red hot go. But the environment does not support the pathology. I am short, bald, overweight and don’t have a lot of money. When I consider all those men’s groups and the guys who identify with being sex addicts, not many of them were all that attractive, and so the spiral down into porn and prostitutes and more deviant sexual behaviours is the stereotypical path taken.
Now consider the ridiculously good looking John that Poly knows. He could pick up the doctor in a medical centre whilst she is explaining the positive STD test results to him. Because of his good looks and six pack abs, the environment (how women are attracted to him) instead supports the pathology.
Sure there are still going to be issues around intimacy and relationships, just as the model is still going to have a big problem with their health and body image. And also how the narcissism of Michael Jackson meant that he ended up with a sycophantic doctor that over-prescribed something that killed him.
For an unattractive man, the environment also informs the pathology, and the unfulfilled desire becomes crushingly present. But is having too much desire a problem for John? Nope. Instead it’s just, well …normal.
Like the Buddhists say, I contend that desire is the cause of all suffering.
However, unmet desire is far worse.
So you ask, is Poly addicted to sex? Well it’s actually more like Classical Conditioning, but that’s for next time.