Author: admin

Of all that I’ve written about Poly’s incredible journey, this is where I find the most common ground. Where Poly is an incredibly brave person around dating apps, screening and hooking up, …I don’t even try anymore. I’m always convinced that it will always end, which means that I must be faulty from the outset so why even bother. The thing is that Poly experiences this exact same dilemma.

But Poly still acts despite this sentiment, even though it is fundamentally connected to this question about where does love fit into all of this. To explain I need to tell you about something which is completely out there from left field.

Far too much has been written about love, but not a lot of it has been written in the context of Consensual Non Monogamy (swinging, open relationships and polyamory). But first, some basics starting with Plato. We could deconstruct love and talk about it’s many forms. Love that a parent has for a child, love for a family member, love without sexual intimacy that we have for friends. And then there is “platonic” love, which to me has always been love for someone you’re attracted to, but where there is no expression of that attraction. And then there is the one we obsess about the most which is intimate sexual love.

Right, So you can have MULTIPLE parents, MULTIPLE grandparents, MULTIPLE children, MULTIPLE siblings and MULTIPLE friends and colleagues…. But you can have only ONE sexual partner.

Hmmm, kind of obvious when you use uppercase?

It seems a bit ridiculous. We’ve just accepted monogamy because this is what has been accepted. It’s a recursive argument that goes something like “it is what it is because it is what it is.” But put in the frame of other types of love, it begs the question why does it have to be like that.

Instead of talking about types of love, it’s better to ask what love actually is. And this is the bit from left field, so hang on.

I have a passing (small) interest in the military, fascinated because it’s such a core component of history. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely identify as a pacifist it’s just that there is a lot to learn about organisations and psychology by looking at it through the lens of the military. In particular I have a fascination with people who can withstand extreme levels of stress and why other people seem to end up damaged from the experience.

Recently there was a documentary that went into some detail about the entry process for the Australian SAS (Special Air Services). Now for those of you who don’t know the SAS is the extreme upper end of professional military, regarded across the world as some of the very best. They go largely unnoticed by most people, and actually their very honest humility is what makes up part of their character.

Anyway in this documentary we see around 100 candidates start out. Already these candidates are supremely fit and competent soldiers in their own right. The entry process was a boot camp for several weeks in which the level of physical exertion was beyond the limits of most people. With the equivalent physical exertion of a marathon every day, we see the candidates gradually whittled down to a select dozen or so that would make it through. Most retire from physical injury, but the really interesting component of the selection process is that it wasn’t just physical. It was also very much a mental selection process, a psychological selection process which meant that it was really an emotional selection process. To me it was clear that the crucial component for entry into the SAS is the emotional stability of the candidate.

In one of the final tasks for the candidates they must hike through isolated wilderness by themselves for an extended period of time. Just imagine the degree of fortitude required to complete that task. There are points along this trek where each candidate needs to check in. It is at these check in points that they are being assessed for their ability to cope. At the end of this documentary, at one of these check-in points, we see one of the candidates talking about his experience. He is asked by the lone camera operator “what gets you through?” The candidate is sitting quietly on a rock and when asked this question, he does not hesitate or equivocate, he simply says “My wife.”

That is love.

At the very edge of your endurance and capability, only those people who would answer this way will be the best of the best.

After the Vietnam War which had compulsory conscription in Australia, there were a lot of returning servicemen who had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and without putting too finer a point on this, it was costing a lot of money. So the accountants in the military started to realise that this was not sustainable and so they went to look at the science behind it and asked the psychologists in the military what was going on.

Around this time, the work of Bowlby and Attachment theory was becoming well established in the academic literature and the psychologists in the military looked to Attachment theory as a way to explain the difference between how people cope with extreme levels of stress.

In Attachment Theory there are two basic types being the “securely attached” individual along with varying forms of what is “insecurely attached” persons. It has to do with our internal sense of confidence and trust that people who leave or are not there will eventually return and ease the discomfort of having left.

The soldier we see in the video said something that denotes a secure attachment style. When pushed to the extreme, it is in these times that we rely upon the schema of understanding that we have about people close to us. Even though they are a long way away, it is this internal resilience tied to close relationships that dictate our ability to cope.

For some time now, I’ve been led to the conclusion that only people who are securely attached are capable of feeling love.

This is an extremely revolutionary concept, but the idea is worth examination. Perhaps all along, with all the stories, songs, and sonnets about love, perhaps this has been a conversation where half the people (the securely attached) are talking about one thing, and the other half (the insecurely attached) have been talking about something else entirely, but we are collectively deluded into thinking it’s the same thing. This is not a new concept in psychology, but it is worth mentioning in the light of secure and insecure attachment styles.

We often think of love as a noun, that is, a feeling or emotional state, but when people ask what me love is, I like to say that love is a verb. Love is a doing word.

For this soldier it may look like we are seeing an emotion, but really he is just drawing on his previous experience that was created between himself and another person (his wife). Over a period of time he has ACTED to build that bond in his everyday response to the needs of the relationship. In a corresponding way his partner has ACTED to cement and reinforce the bond in a reciprocal way. It is the action that denotes how love is formed.

Sex is an act, but it’s not the only part of an intimate love relationship. So is taking out the rubbish, mowing the lawn, picking up the kids from school, cleaning the garage, ironing the shirts, going to work every day to earn money, and if there are children, being a good dad, being a good mum, getting up in the middle of the night and changing the nappies.

Most importantly, love is DOING your internal work and talking openly and honestly about all that messy feeling stuff.

Unfortunately, when I hear Poly say she is “waiting for it to end.” I kinda don’t get the sense that this is not a secure attachment style. Quite the reverse actually, and this is the one thing that Poly and I share.

That’s not to say that it can’t change. Honestly the way to uncover and build love is to do the internal work that builds a more secure attachment style.

For Poly and for myself the internal work must continue. We are both trying to become more securely attached individuals. However, we are doing it in different ways. Luckily (for her at least), she gets to have lots of sex whilst continuing to unwrap these issues of trust and belonging. And I honestly believe that she is doing exactly that.

This new guy in her life will, may hang around, or he may not. They may together explore how to rely on and trust each other whilst not being chained to checkbox of unrelenting monogamy. Or it may come to it’s inevitable end. Ultimately however I think that Poly be just fine.

My friend Poly has a hobby, which in itself is not unusual, it’s just that her hobby is having sex.

The transformation in Poly has been remarkable. When we first met she was just ending her relationship with a long term partner, and took a brave step which was rejecting the myth that once you have a partner, then a mortgage, then a baby yada yada yada…, that once all the standard boxes had been ticked, then you should be happy. But Poly wasn’t happy, in fact the existential misery of all this just seemed to grow the more the boxes got ticked. It was courageous to reject the gilded cage of her own making and step out in a different direction, but she did. It took a few years and there were lots of mistakes along the way, but now Poly is engaged in multiple parallel connected relationships, some that fail in time, but some that seem to be stronger and some may even be more enduring.

The radical departure from a checkbox existence has been difficult. The first and immediate obstacle to overcome when moving to be polyamorous is that those people who are around you, and those people who know you will sometimes try and put you back on the checkbox assembly line. Like coming out as LGBTIQA, there will be those who are just going to struggle with the change they see in their friend or family member. Poly has stated a few times to me that it feels like Polyamory or an open relationship way of living is where the LGBTIQA community was about 30 years ago. It is such a contradiction to how we are “supposed” to be, so different from the norm, that it will probably not be accepted for some time.

The second obstacle was Tim. Tim was around for about a year, in and out of Poly’s life because he would only be in the country for 1 month out of every 4. This may have been OK, except for the fact that Tim did not really want to share Poly with anyone else. Like it was his decision to make anyway.

Like, right there, see!

See how the very language and subtext of monogamy ends up being a way to control someone else. Poly agreed with Tim to be exclusive, however this was mostly Tim making the decision, Poly was still in the process of emerging into the person she always knew she was.

But eventually Poly moved on and found her way into the Sex/Play scene. To begin with it was the invite only nightclubs or the private parties where couples would hook up. And being a single sexually confident and attractive female meant she got invites more readily than others. Here there was a reposition of the dynamic between men and women. It surprised me more than anything else that in the play scene, the power dynamic is reversed so that women are definitely in control and a great deal of emphasis is on consent. Men, it seems are welcomed because they make interesting play things, but they have to leave the macho bullshit at the door. Well, at least that’s how I understand it from hearing Poly talk about it.

At a one to one level, Poly found herself connecting with guys who, for the most part, were not coming from the same place. Which is to say, they were lying. These guys would say, “oh yeah, I’m absolutely into open relationship, and yeah, I’ve discussed it with my girlfriend and she’s cool with it”. This is a form of language used by guys who are trying to get laid called “bullshitian”. To translate from bullshitian what he is saying is, “you mean we can have sex without the hassle of commitment, awesome, but so long as my girlfriend doesn’t know and if she were to find out, then perhaps we could have a threesome.” The men from the mono-hetero-normative world were lying to Poly, lying to themselves and more importantly they were probably lying to their other partners.

For Poly the misleading of others, the hiding and the deceit is contrary to the person she wants to be. The connection may still be there with these men, but as we’ve come to understand, this connection is based something like an addiction, where these “bad boys” only enforce the idea that “If I can’t have it, for whatever reason, then I really really want it.” This theme continues to play out where the drive increases the more the availability reduces.

Then the hard work of scheduling followed. Endless swiping on numerous apps, followed by seemingly endless texting, the initial screening to see if they want to have sex with each other, then the getting to know each other in bed, then more texting. Scheduling in events when she could be free but then having the everyday world of work and travel and family constantly disrupting the diary. Add to that a cocktail of adrenaline, dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin, with less and less time for sleeping and it all of this ends up in a compromised immune system, susceptibility to contracting a cold and just basically being really fucking tired.

Throughout all this is the constantly recurring themes of Jealousy. Poly has stated that she doesn’t really get jealousy, and I have maintained that jealousy is just a placeholder for some other emotion that people are feeling, but which is so overwhelming that they do not have the capacity to call it out and see that emotion for what it really is. I feel jealousy all the time. It’s like and exposed nerve that makes it incredibly difficult to function sometimes. For me jealousy is about regret, and about unmet desire and about frustration. It’s a percussion grenade on my psyche as I work with issues of self-worth. But jealousy could also be hurt, or loss, or frustration, or shame, or grief, or guilt or any of a number of emotions that are sometimes too difficult. By labeling these uncomfortable emotions as jealousy we are trying to push the problem so that it is “out there” rather than “in here”.

A person often only gets jealous in a relationship, so therefore part of the responsibility lies with the person out there. It’s easier to call it jealousy because it denotes that the ultimate cause of the problem/behavior is in someone else and not me. As I reflect on what this means, jealousy itself just seems ridiculous. For example, imagine a person is “jealous” because their partner has be found to be “cheating” on them. They react and act out in a jealous way, but the cause is always seen to be THE OTHER PERSON. Internally the unspoken monologue from the jealous person is essentially “HEY! I am feeling hurt, so why are you not looking after my emotions?”

Just fucking grow up!

If you’re feeling hurt (or whatever) then that is YOUR FEELING! Expecting everyone around you to behave so that you’re feeling OK is just laughable. But the dominant paradigm of monogamy is saying this exact thing.

You’ve probably noticed that I’m attracted to Poly, and it’s true, I am. But she is not attracted to me, and our relationship is a friendship and no more, where we can talk about all this. If I feel bad (hurt, loss, envy… or whatever), because of my unmet desire, then that is my shit! That is what I have to deal with. The reason why I’ve continue to catch up with Poly is because she has understood this and she has allowed me the space to work on my stuff. And whilst it’s hurt, for this I am extremely grateful.

Relationships, in all their forms, seem to create fertile ground where growth is possible, provided that you are willing to do the internal work. For me personally, this is the most important part of Poly’s emergence. There are some people who marry the person they first met at school. They live their lives together, raise a family and live a stable and full life, and that’s great. But it’s not for everyone. Some people crash into and crash through or crash out of relationships all the time, bludgeoned by this thing we call “love”, but which we don’t entirely understand. But, when you are willing to do the internal work, all of this can lead to understanding yourself better.

For me the internal work is tied to a growing sense that I am a sex and love addict, and more specifically someone who is anhedonic, anorexic and avoidant. I avoid being intimate with people whilst at the same time feeding into a narrative about the world “out there” where everybody seems to be getting some, but not me. Because I am intrinsically unlovable. The dynamic between myself and Poly is what has allowed me to really see this for what it is, and this is the form of the internal work I am now embarked upon.

For Poly, as she mentioned to me the other day “I’ve never been happier”. There is a new guy in her life who has been around the open relationship for longer than most and is genuinely cool with it. In life, he seems to have his shit together, and he doesn’t seem to be the flake that so many others are. They are attracted to each other, the sex is really good and to hear Poly describe him, it’s clear that he may end up being a much longer term playmate than the rest. He seems perfect.

Then Poly says “It’s like it’s too perfect, and there must be something wrong.” Being “perfect” raises the most difficult of all existential dilemmas, which is best described in Poly’s own words “I’m waiting for it to end”. When I ask why, she replies “because it always ends”

I think this sense of impending loss is also connected to another question that Poly asks from time to time which is “Where does love fit into all of this?”

“Waiting for it to end …. Where does love fit into all of this?”

More on that next time.

Poly recently did a questionnaire for work, you know the sort, where you answer a lot of questions and then they correlate the results and return a summary about aspects of your personality. She always likes to answer these questionnaires as honestly as possible and the response she got “blew her away”.

Reading from the results she says “I’m prone to flashes of insight, but I need a partner to help me work backwards, to make the flash real” (which would make me the partner), she continues “I don’t like surprises” to whit she looks over the top of the paper and says “no shit!”.

There was more in her results that talked about how she was concerned with the “right thing to do” and she relates how John would say to her “you make me think and direct me towards the right thing”. It mentioned how she would be quick to action if someone doesn’t live up to her responsibilities, continuing to read “What tips the world out of balance is you hate people lying or even telling half-truths”, to which Poly could only agree with a long squeaky aaaaaaaaahhhh of irritation. The inability to lie explains why a cheaters life would never have worked for her, and also why she struggled so much with the James saga (remember the party, Poly struggled to even head nod along to James’ lie about how they knew each other and led to her never contacting him again or even responding to a few tests he has since sent). “What pisses me off is people who don’t follow through on their commitments. It bugs the heck out of me!!!”

Which scares me a little bit, because this blog is a commitment I made, so going from her comments I’ve taken, this has be a bit worried. I’ve been trying to keep a few week ahead in order to take the pressure off, but I’m falling behind. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot to discuss, and it would be easy for me to say that I’ve been really busy, or I could argue that not many people are reading it anyway, but these are just excuses. Truth is that I am challenged by it all, and it’s the comparison between her life and my life that is at the heart of this challenge.

To put it more simply, I’m jealous as fuck!

Well not jealous, it’s more like “envious”, which is just one of the many facets of jealousy. And that is what has interested me more than anything else. That for me, with no sex in my life at all, I am called to do all this internal work on desire, loss, longing and lust. And for Poly, who has more sex than hot meals, there is also the very same call to do her internal work.

We often talk about the “monos” out there who have what appear to have a “normal” life, with a “normal” relationship. Poly said the other day “comparing my life to the people I went to private fucking school with, they all have kids, and are all married to bankers, and they all have perfect Instagram and Facebook profiles showing a perfect life that isn’t fucking real, I don’t believe any of it, because I know it’s all bullshit.” She mentions how if you were compare her life on paper, with all the failed relationships and a failed business, then “I’d be a failure”.

However this insta-face we present to the world is a great big fucking lie. Poly states categorically “I’d be a failure, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and maybe that’s how you should judge it.”

Yes some couples are still happy after 10 years together, but they seem to be the exception that more and more only serves to prove the rule. People just seem to get bored with the same person. And they won’t talk about it whilst they are in it, but they will once the relationship is over.

Basically people will often lie to themselves because to tell the truth is to start on the pathway that is doing your internal work.

People in stagnant relationships may end up being beaten down by the crushing monotony of monogamy, or they will end up straying, and then get caught, which causes hurt and betrayal and jealousy and …yadda yadda yadda.

You know the story, you’ve seen it yourselves so many times in your group of friends and in pop culture more broadly. We all know that it happens, and it happens a lot.

But it’s not just about the pretend norms out there. This is a spectrum.

From the happily normative you go through to the cheaters who lie to their partner but continue to be partnered and therefore are also lying to themselves. Then you have the recently divorced thru to the gloriously independent, who are also probably lying themselves. Then there are the flakes and the fakes who play the field, trying to have as much meaningless sex as possible but struggling to understand this commitment thing. “Fear of commitment you say? Nah, nothing to be afraid of, just don’t do it”. And then you get to the open relationships, the polyamorous the kinky, the BDSM and people who think fifty shades of grey is an instruction manual.

But regardless of where you are, the same existential threat seems to be present and instead of doing the internal work that needs to be done, it’s easier to escape into our little fantasy world of unrelenting unhappiness.

OR,

You could be honest with yourself.

This is the sledgehammer of consciousness growth that our relationships become.

Whether you are a hetero-mono-normative banker’s wife with photos that prove your life is perfect because everyone is always smiling, you still need to face that shadow and do the internal work.

Or, if you are like some of the people that Poly talks about who get to have lots of sex, but struggle with relationship and connection, you still need to do your internal work.

Or, you might be starting out on the Polyamorous journey like Poly and finding your way through all these questions, there will still, and always will be this internal work.

Of even, if you are like me, anhedonic and with a complete abstinence of physical intimacy, you still need to do the inner work.

My delay in this blog is because I’ve learnt that I cannot run from this work, I can only surrender to the way of it.

So here is the point:

One of the keys to doing this internal work is understanding jealousy.

(apologies to Peter Gabriel, it’ll make sense as you read on)

I’ve taken up my meditation practice again after going to a 3 day retreat recently. It’s helping. Feeling a lot more steady about my world and able to also engage in a small AA like group for Sexual Anorexics.

So the concept that Poly talks about when she feels the “connection”, well for someone like me who is a sexual anorexic with anhedonic tendencies, this connection is just the first step to an all-out invasion of the self. Learning a lot from this small group and learning about the problems other people have when connecting socially, emotionally and physically. So it seems strange to be writing this blog, but part of the point is that I am actually quite removed from Poly’s life. Absolutely fascinated by it, but removed.

Anyway the meditation is helping, and I’m reminded of something my original meditation teacher told me when I first started years ago. There are two ways to enlightenment, for some there is the quiet approach of meditation and retreat which allows for a slow and gradual growth in consciousness over time. Bit by bit the layers of the ego are unraveled allowing you to connect to a universal consciousness.

And then there is the alternative method of working on yourself which is called “having a relationship”.

Typically we refer to this as the “sledgehammer method.”

The real question then is, does having multiple parallel relationships make this sledgehammer method harder or easier?

Poly’s sexual activity seems to be increasing. There are now a number of guys / couples who she has either met when playing or through dating apps and they all need to be time managed. It would probably be confusing to call them all out individually and seriously who has time to keep a detailed biographical mind map of all the characters, their changed names likes and dislikes. It’s hard enough trying to understand the plot in Game of Thrones, so we just don’t need the headache. Instead, the focus will be on some key individuals and what issues arise with them.

First, the potential suitors have to be vetted. Using the general public as a chaperone, Poly will take a guy out to a “screening”. She’s not fond of calling them dates, because that just sounds lame and to be honest it is not a ‘date’, as she says “we are both just screening to see if we want to fuck each other”.

Talking in a quick catch up over coffee one afternoon, Poly tells me she has a “screening” tonight with someone she refers to as “the cocky guy”. They haven’t met and already he’s texting that she should not wear panties to the dinner, to which Poly says “…Ahh, that’s not me!”

This kind of attitude fits into a general theme that Poly is asked about “ALL THE TIME” which is where they want to know what her kink is. “Why do people mistake being highly sexually active with being kinky” Poly exclaims. “I get asked this ALL THE TIME, what’s your kink, and I’m like, I just want normal sex, …just lots of it”

It’s a good point, why does having lots of sex seem to equate to having weird sex? Poly doesn’t mind other people having their thing, but it’s not something that does it for her. Ironically, you could argue that I have more of a kink than Poly because I have no sex at all whilst writing this blog, which in a way seems kinda weird.

Anyway, in between the nights set aside when she has her daughter, here is a brief running sheet for the next week, there is Cocky Guy tonight, and Italian guy tomorrow night who sounds like he comes with the opened buttoned collared shirt, chest hair and gold neckless. Am I being racist here? Actually he’s just well-dressed and confident.

On the weekend there is a really cool couple she’s met previously. She’s an ex-model and he’s really considerate and easy going, so Poly is looking forward to that, mostly I think because it is already organised for her, it’s straight forward and they are unlikely to change plans given their previous association. It ticks the boxes of being well planned, easy to accommodate and ostensibly “normal”. Well as much as a threesome is normal.

Then early next week there is a really nice guy from Wales for a second date who Poly met through a more traditional (non-kinky) dating app. He has had to change his travel plans which has thrown Poly’s schedule out of whack, so that’s a bit annoying. She has only one opening on Tuesday, so it’s that or nothing for a few weeks. There is some trepidation with Welsh-guy because he is mucking her about, but then knows how to wheel her back in just as she is getting fed up. And of course the sex is ‘insane’ so that just increases her thirst for him. But she sees her old patterns coming in with this one and is more aware now and cautious. But more about that another time.

Then an old flame from the UK is returning. You may recall Tim, he was the guy flying between here and the UK every few months. He wanted exclusivity but it got difficult and didn’t work out. He is now very keen to mention he has a new girlfriend who will be traveling over here to a neighboring city for a few weeks with a friend before they go off to India to practice yoga. Poly is wondering why this guy has turned into a hippy. She is still looking forward to catching up, but also says that “emotionally, I’ve moved beyond it.”

Poly tells me that once she has “emotionally moved on” from someone, then the very idea of having sex with them seems, well, kinda funny. She laughs in the coffee shop whilst talking about it, and there is no faking this, Poly genuinely thinks it is funny. I ask why “funny” and she equivocates about what this means.

She knows it to be a common theme at the end of a relationships, like with Ed (father of her child) who she was with for a few years. At the height of their relationship she was totally into him, saying “for about a year we had the best sex and I couldn’t get enough, but now I’m like ….urrrrrrggggghh. It’s bizarre because at one point in time all I wanted was to have sex with him.”

When prompted by the thought of having sex with any ex, Poly laughs at first. I mention to her how we often feel that the “self” we have is unchanging, but in reality it is always changing.

In meditation we learn that the self or ego is just the waking thought at the top of a vast understanding of consciousness. The idea in Transcendental Meditation is to witness all these layers of ego and waking thought. We allow them to be there whilst at the same time coming to understand that the self is something in constant flux like the waves on an ocean, where the connected consciousness is way down below the surface.

I mention some of this to her, saying how the self has the illusion of being constant but is always changing. Poly says “I look at who I was at the start of my relationship with Ed and who I was at the end, and it’s two completely different people. There are aspects that seem like constant traits, like being raw and fucking honest has always been there, but most of the rest is completely different.”

This blog is uncovering something that was not expected. In so many ways we are finding that polyamory, sexual play and open relationships in general are really about uncovering aspects of the self and doing that inner work. Even the variously seeming shallow men and women, the players and the kinky, they are all being thrown into the deep end of introspection, willing or not. What results could be descent into denial, jealousy, anxiety, depression, increasing addiction or for those willing to do the work, self-realisation and growth.

What they do with it is ultimately up to them. No, hang on. What we do with it is up to us. Or better still because I’m looking into a twelve step program for sexual anorexics, what I do with it is up to me.

This internal work is something that I admire about Poly, even though that sledgehammer seems a bit scary.

Poly and I had dinner the other night, and the venue was cool, the food was awesome, the conversation was great but then we separated and simple went home. Poly confessed that she wanted to make sure she didn’t try to hook up with anyone that evening on her way home (i.e. call up one of her playmates) and so had left her legs unshaven. Probably because I’ve never really liked Bridget Jones Diary, I wasn’t aware of this sort of behavior, but she informs me that it’s a basic way of enforcing the “I’m not going to have sex tonight” criteria for an evening out. It is also an indicator as to our relationship, I’m the unshaven leg guy.

I was feeling sorry for myself, and wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it all, but I soon got re-engaged when Poly starts sending me texts the following morning about a new guy (let’s call him Jerry) who has been doing a full on “player” number on Poly.

Adam is still around, but the party is done and their relationship is sort of ok-ish (more on Adam next week). But Jerry is new. And, Jerry is a player. And Jerry is really really good at it.

For instance, he will make plans and then have to cancel them at the last minute. This frustrates the hell out of Poly, which naturally, only makes him more desirable.

By contrast there is also another newbie in Poly’s life (William) who is also good looking, nice, honest and will turn up as planned. William is not at all “bad”. And, yeah, …not so interesting.

So I’m getting all these texts about Jerry and he’s got Poly completely hooked. I listen to the rant and respond to console and help make sense of it. Then they make further plans and again, BAM! He’s made a mistake and has to fly off somewhere saying “sorry babe, just fucked up, can’t get out of it”. And so I get another dump of texts around this guy that she now really REALLY want’s, but who’s also a complete flake.

But you have to ask, what the fuck is going on?

It’s taken a while to sift through it all, and I’ve been ruminating on this dilemma about how this misogynistic “treat-them-mean, keep-them-keen” approach seems to work so well. Anyway, I wrote the following email to poly in the hope of making sense of all this. It was never intended to go into the blog, but Poly suggested it would be great, because it “is extremely comprehensive and your knowledge and ability to apply it keeps blowing my mind!”. Well at least I’m blowing her mind in one respect : ). Anyway this is what I wrote:

Hi Poly

Wanted to lay this out more comprehensively in the hope it will help. When looking at the issue with Jerry, I suspect the problem is one of Classical Conditioning that you probably are not aware of. There is a wiki page on this that may offer more on the underlying principle:

So here’s what may be happening.

Explained through Pavlov’s infamous dog, the bell ring (conditioned stimulus) is associated with the food being placed in front of the dog so that the dog then anticipates the taste of the food (unconditioned stimulus) and thus salivates (unconditioned response). Over time with repetition, the bell will cause the dog to salivate without the food being presented (conditioned response).

So in a human, anxiety, fear or excitement can cause the release of Adrenaline. The adrenaline helps us by refocusing and creating energy in the body as it is required for escaping, fight or flight. It is also present when excited because it provides energy that enhances the excitement and allows us to fully capitalise on it.

The anticipation of Sex can cause the release of Dopamine, which is the neurotransmitter that is used to motivate behavior. In a natural system there is a motivation to eat, feel safe, avoid pain, feel pleasure, have sex etc., and it is dopamine that drives these sorts of reward seeking behaviors.

Through his own history and experience, Jerry has acquired a set of behaviors that makes him act in a certain way that essentially works well for him with certain (most) individuals. It allows him to control his world by creating chaos in other peoples’ world. And it may work like this.

The chaos of the situation will trigger an adrenaline rush in you. This is in part due to the need to be organised and also maybe be due to the fear of being rejected or abandoned. Or it could be both.

But the adrenaline may also be acting as an independent or Conditioned Stimulus to the dopamine. It is associated because there have been enough instances of the two occurring at the same time for it to be associated. The presence of this adrenaline over time has been paired with the dopamine, such that the set of behaviors he exhibits is also acting to make him MORE desirable.

Chaos — > Anxiety/Excitement –> Adrenaline (Bell Ringing)

Desire for Sex –> Dopamine (Food)

Having Sex (Salivation / eating food)

His actions in creating chaos and uncertainty will trigger this conjoined adrenal-dopamine response in you.

However, predictability and certainty (with nice guy William) do not trigger this adrenal-dopamine response in you, instead you get just the normal arousal from the expectation of sex. It’s ok, but it’s not “GREAT!” to paraphrase your words.

So when Jerry creates chaos, it increases the physiological response in you that is associated with sex. You’ve also indicated that you like men to take charge and be a bit dominant in sex. In addition, it could be that a man with a high passion quotient would also be more desirable. To my way of thinking these other factors may also create an enhancing effect in the dopamine response.

Simply put, Jerry’s behavior creates MORE dopamine than someone who has their shit together. On a personal note, it’s also why someone like me who prefers a woman to take charge and be dominant would be a complete turn off. There is absolutely nothing to get excited about there. Like the other nice guys, they’re “nice”, but they are not an overwhelming-must-have-it-NOW !!!

So what do you do about it?

Don’t know, it’s really hard to break conditioning, particularly when the response is seemingly random (as with gambling). You could look up how to break conditioning online, but my only suggestion is to:

Notice as it occurs -> Reflect -> Notice …etc
and repeat until something shifts

I’m calling it the “Bad-Boy-Is-A-Bell” theory of why assholes are much more successful with women, and whilst thinking that the Operant Condition model is probably more correct than Classical Conditioning, there is less alliteration in “bad-boy induced adrenaline is a positive reinforcer for dopamine in sex.” Just doesn’t have the same “ring” to it.

Of course, I could be completely wrong.

It’s just a theory.

So Poly did end up in a second threesome in the week after the sex party. John’s former fling, let’s call her Judy, arrived at John’s place the other night and much sex was had by all. Judy was pretty taken by Poly and has apparently asked John to give her Poly’s number so they could “stay in contact”. However the number was not passed on by John…which is not surprising. Poly tells me that she thinks this is because John does not want Judy and Poly to hook up with without him.

Ahh jealousy! Even when you are super-hot and have sex on tap, this thing called jealousy is still there. Usually jealousy is really just about feeling rejected or abandoned. It could also be associated with betrayal, or it could be grief at the loss of intimacy. Jealousy has many faces, but in this instance it’s just plain old vanilla FOMO.

There has been a lot of sex recently for Poly, and she describes to me how there is a ramping up that happens. The more she has sex, the more she wants to have sex. When talking about all this we have mentioned “it”, and we have skirted around “it” a couple of times, but the question remains: is Poly addicted to sex?

Certainly when you read the literature on sex addiction, it would seem that she is. However, most of this literature has been written by men. And if Poly does have sex addiction, what does that actually mean?

I’ve worked with a variety of men’s groups, and I’ve even been to a Sex and Love Addicts anonymous meeting, which was an all-male meeting. What I hear when talking about sex addiction with men is that there are associated behaviors that make sex addiction debilitating. There is no doubt that sex addiction is a real problem, that’s not in dispute. What’s interesting is how it differs from what is happening with Poly.

Is Poly hooking up with random strangers in back alleys and public toilets? Uhmmm, No! For Poly there is a rigid diary structure and compartmentalization of time when it comes to who she meets up with. The first meeting with someone is in a public place and there is usually no sex. She also has to have both a strong physical attraction to them as well as some level of intellectual connection. She also wants to know that she is disease free, so safe sex is a precondition. There are no sex workers and visual imagery is more “erotica” than “porn” and to be enjoyed WITH someone, not alone. All in all, it’s not sounding very addictivey.

Sure the ramping up of desire and craving more and more is something Poly is aware of, but the real test of an addiction is whether or not it disrupts normal everyday functioning. Well this is not the case for Poly. She wants to feel that connection with the other person/people, and this is not just a physiological thing like taking a drug or getting drunk.

All that said, I would point out that I really only know sex addiction from a male perspective. Or to be more concise, from an ugly man’s perspective.

I’m 14 years sober (ie without having had sex) and it’s been nearly 20 years since I let go of my addiction to pornography. I don’t think it’s wrong, I just don’t like the manipulation and for me there is a greater issue of control. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I have something called Sexual Anorexia. Well, sort-of-ish.

Typically “Sexual Anorexia” is the opposite end of the same spectrum as sexual bulimia (binging) which is the classic image you might have of a sex addict. The anorexia is associated with a fear of intimacy and in some instances would involve the use of sex services, however I’ve never been to a sex worker. Also in sexual anorexia there should be an absence of hunger for sex, but in my case that’s not accurate at all. I crave constantly.

For me there is the fear of intimacy, but the main reason I resonate with the pathology is because there is a need for ANY FORM OF CONTROL around something over which I really have no control at all. I have no control over interacting with women because, as previously stated, I’m not that appealing to women.

Sure, the typical response if I say this to someone is “oh but for women looks are not as important”, or “but you’re a really nice guy”, or “there is someone for everyone”, or “but you just need to be positive and keep hope that you’ll find someone”. To which my respective answers are “bullshit”, “so what”, “who says, the media trying to sell you something?” and “hope is the fucking problem you idiot”.

Poly and I both crave sex, and I am writing about her flood of hook-ups, whilst suffering a pathological drought. Yep, this blog is really fire and ice stuff.

So what does being ugly have to do with it?

To understand why it is important, take look at some other common pathologies and then consider the specific context or environment in which that pathology exists.

Consider for instance a women with actual anorexia, where in large part it is about the exercise of extreme control over something that they CAN control, all because they live in world where they feel they have no agency. For a normal average person this would be bad. Now what happens if the person concerned were in a different context? What happens if they are a model? Suddenly the context and environment is different and the disease is therefore different. It’s still debilitating, but the context has changed what the pathology means, in this case because it is economically supportive whilst also being debilitating.

Now consider a second pathology of narcissism. A person with narcissism is self-absorbed, often associated with a malformation of empathy. Without going into too much detail, a person with narcissism is only really concerned with their own reality and for all intents and purposes, they are the centre of the universe, because that is how they understand the universe. In a normal everyday context, this is debilitating, but what happens if this person is also an incredibly successful musician and performer, who has accumulated a vast amount of wealth, fame and influence. Through simple attrition they will end up being surrounded by people who support this idea that they are the centre of everything, to such an extent that they ACTUALLY ARE the centre of everything. Think Michael Jackson and you’ll get what I mean.

What happens when the environment supports the pathology?

For me, I would have loved to have been able to have as much sex as possible. It would have been great, I would have given it a red hot go. But the environment does not support the pathology. I am short, bald, overweight and don’t have a lot of money. When I consider all those men’s groups and the guys who identify with being sex addicts, not many of them were all that attractive, and so the spiral down into porn and prostitutes and more deviant sexual behaviours is the stereotypical path taken.

Now consider the ridiculously good looking John that Poly knows. He could pick up the doctor in a medical centre whilst she is explaining the positive STD test results to him. Because of his good looks and six pack abs, the environment (how women are attracted to him) instead supports the pathology.

Sure there are still going to be issues around intimacy and relationships, just as the model is still going to have a big problem with their health and body image. And also how the narcissism of Michael Jackson meant that he ended up with a sycophantic doctor that over-prescribed something that killed him.

For an unattractive man, the environment also informs the pathology, and the unfulfilled desire becomes crushingly present. But is having too much desire a problem for John? Nope. Instead it’s just, well …normal.

Like the Buddhists say, I contend that desire is the cause of all suffering.

However, unmet desire is far worse.

So you ask, is Poly addicted to sex? Well it’s actually more like Classical Conditioning, but that’s for next time.

Please note, this is way beyond PG13

It’s a warm Saturday afternoon in the city when Poly and John check into a five star hotel, and have sex.

They’ve made it through the tumult of the previous weekend and held it together long enough to make it here, because tonight is the big night. The hotel is close to the event which will be held later in the evening and they decide to miss the much talked about pre-event drinks that had been suggested in the pre-event forum. Instead they take their time getting dressed, or is that undressed, then dressed again, it’s all a matter of perspective really.

John is wearing a crisp white shirt and black skinny leg pants, with a key point that they are practical and easy to remove. Not the stripper-velcro-easy-to-remove, although the thought had occurred to Poly. He tops it off with his black leather jacket, he looks good, but then being the ex-model type, that’s probably not difficult. Poly is wearing a black mini cocktail dress whose sole function is to mostly hide the extremely expensive lingerie. It seems the more expensive the lingerie , the less there is.

When the time arrives, they head off to the appointed luxury penthouse apartment which has been taken over for the evening. As they arrive, all bags and especially all electronic devices are checked in. Then they literally sign in by filling out a non-disclosure agreement where they agree to the rules of the event. It would seem that even bureaucracy is trying to be raunchy as the agreements go into some detail about the content of the event and the explicit confidentiality of all participants, the location of the event, as well as the organisers of the event.

Wait a minute…., I’m calling this an “event”. That’s because it’s making me uncomfortable. After months of hearing Poly talk about her erotic awakenings, you’d think I’d be more habituated to it, but I’m not. The idea of people agreeing to have sex in the presence of each other is so far removed from anything in my experience that it just seems beyond weird. This is a large group of people coming together in order to cum together

Anyway, I may be a prude, but discomfort aside, this sociological prude needs to forge on.

The “event” in question has finally arrived, and Poly is at long last going to a swinger’s party in order to have sex. And watch other people have sex. And to have them watch her have sex. Even though at these sorts of events, it’s more correct to call it “play” as this covers a broader range of activity, …but it’s mostly sex.

There is apprehension in the air as they enter the room.

As I write this, it occurs to me that “Apprehension” sounds like a new fragrance from a movie star past their prime who is trying to round out their financial portfolio. That sense of “Anticipation” and “Excitement” with a little bit of “Anxiety” which, if you think about it, could also be new fragrance names. I can hear the byline in a slow husky voice saying:

“APPREHENSION – when you don’t know what will happen”

As they make their way into the large penthouse suite, it’s clear the not insignificant sums of money paid by about 30 couples is in large part paying for the venue, but then I start to wonder if the organisers had obtained the room through Airbnb. And what if they disclosed the use of the venue? And would they loose their deposit?

Strategically placed around the penthouse are a variation of latex and lube and tissues and towels, with plenty of alcohol in the kitchen that has been converted to a bar. There is a super large lounge room and dining area along with three bedrooms and a balcony. It leaves me wondering just how much of the revenue is going to be spent on cleaners.

John’s a bit caught in the headlights about it all but undaunted, Poly makes her entrance and immediately runs into James.

You remember James, he’s the guy from Poly’s work who was not being entirely honest with his partner about the whole open-relationship thing and how he and Poly had formed a very strong connection. It was broken off several weeks ago, and I was betting that James and Susan would be no-shows, but I was wrong. There they are at the event and before Poly has a chance to say anything, James blurts out “Oh…WOW!, Oh, hi Poly, haven’t seen you in ages. Has it been, how long, what, three years?”

And Poly thinks “I saw you yesterday you lying sack of shit.”

When Poly relates the story to me she exclaims “that lying fuck goes ahead and forces me into a position where I HAVE to continue with his stupid lie, and I fucking HATE lying. I’m really bad at any deception and I especially hate being put into a situation where I have no choice but to lie. He’s just gone and ruined my whole fucking evening. Fuck!”

So it’s clear that Poly is immediately uncomfortable, and it’s also clear that this discomfort would be obvious. It would be particularly obvious to another woman. Well it was, and Susan notices.

James then attempts to continue with the deception by asking “so what have you been up to?” Poly responds “oh, you know, work, yeah, and I’ve like, had a kid” but she is also boiling over with thoughts like “but you already know that you fucking asshole.”

With Poly blushing from the heat of being forced to lie, Susan becomes acutely aware of the lie being told by her boyfriend. But she won’t risk losing him, so therefore the other women must be to blame, and so her ice cold stare turns onto Poly instead of her lying sack of shit boyfriend.

All throughout history this sort of thing re-occurs frequently, where people blame the interloper rather than the person they are with, even though it is clearly their partner that is not being honest. This is the very heart of the problem with monogamy, and it is exactly the sort of thing Poly wants to avoid by being upfront about her polyamory.

Polyamory is not about deceit, it is philosophically the exact opposite, and on a spectrum between the upfront honesty of Polyamory and deceit through cheating, the concept of a so called “open relationship” is really just somewhere in between these two extremes. Open relationships do not sometimes inspire the trust implicit in Polyamory when both partners are committed to being open and honest about their other relationships. However with James and Susan it’s more “don’t ask, don’t tell”, and it generally ends up with both people in the dark about their partners true feelings and you end up with your classic ‘tangled web’. It’s clear that either Susan didn’t ask or James didn’t tell (probably the later because he’s a lying schmuck).

The conversation does not get any better with James and Susan, and after about 15-20 minutes, not much is happening in the room. Whilst it was Poly’s first “party” by this specific organiser, it was not the first time she’s been in a situation like this and relating it to me, she says “these things can accelerate pretty quickly” but right now, not much is going on, so Poly drags John over into the centre of the room and whispers to him that he needs to take her dress off.

Now John had never been in this sort of situation before, but to his credit he plays along as requested and undoes Poly’s dress so that it falls to the floor. Poly then moves down his body till she is on her knees, undoes his trousers and proceeds to give him a blow job.

At this point in the recital, Poly holds up her arms in victory claiming “YEAH! We started it!”

Everyone’s attention is turned to Poly and John, the noise level drops and pauses as they hold that space for several heartbeats. Then an explosion of the erotic began in earnest.

Clothes hit the floor, bodies hit other bodies, and it was full on. Weeks of pent up expectation in the forum just ignite the room. Couples start heading off to the bedrooms, where two would become three, then four, then all in.

Poly took John to a room where another couple had just started to go at it. After playing for a while in there they decide to take a ‘breather’ and actually end up running back into James and Susan and a unicorn (single girl) who all together explore another one of the bedrooms that had not yet been occupied. At this point Poly is in her lingerie, John is fully naked, unicorn is in lingerie, James is in his boxers and Susan is fully clothed!

Poly did a double take thinking that it was just her imagination. Nah, surely Susan was not ‘vibing’ her earlier, but as it turns out, yep she would not even make eye contact with Poly. James’ fantasy of having Susan and Poly hit it off was to remain the wet dream of his adolescent mind.

Unicorn ran off somewhere briefly which left Poly and John and James and Susan in the room together. I’m thinking at this point, to make it perfect, all they needed was a tranny to pop their head into the room and stretch out the word “A..w..k..w..a..r..d.. !!!”

Both couples are on the bed and making out with their respective partners and it is at this point Poly tells me “so I was kind of waiting for the ‘merge’, my last attempt to make eye contact and then the four of us merge together but Susan was having nothing of it and would not even look at me”. Poly was very clear now that Susan did not want a bar of her and this night was not going to go as planned. A few minutes later Susan whispered something to James of which Poly heard “I’ll go find them” before she runs out of the room. It was clear she had no interested in merging with Poly and went to find others she had met.

So Poly was left sitting on the bed between James and John, saying she felt awkward would be an understatement. John thought Poly would want to make the move on James but Poly knew by this point if Susan came back and was all over James there would be trouble. The three made “small talk” until Susan returned with the lesbian couple they had met earlier. As the room starting heating up more and more people were wanting to join in. By the tenth or twelfth person, and after a fun play with John and a cute Asian woman, Poly decides there are too many people and not really something she is interested in.

For Poly, it’s more the connection she craves. All in all she didn’t really spend much time there, and they left “early”. When I asked what time “early” was she said about 2.30am, which to my way of thinking is another kind of early? But anyway, Poly said that the deception by James put her out of sorts and all evening Susan just seemed to have it in for her.

James never got to have sex with Poly, it would have been too much for Susan. As it was, Susan probably had enough to contend with because apparently James became quite a popular item, with Poly overhearing in the bathroom an explicit conversation between a couple who were out to make sure they “got him”… you know… for sex.

After playing around for a bit, John and Poly left to go back to their hotel room. As soon as they stepped out of the penthouse Poly came clean about who James who. “Ahhh it all makes sense now. I thought James seemed unusually very into you and could tell Susan was not into it at all”.

John was really understanding about it all and Poly thought maybe she had not given him enough credit when deserved. They got back to the hotel room, John made a cushion heaven in the bathroom while he smoked a joint to level out. He and Poly chatted about the party and everything that had just occurred in the previous hours. And of course they then had sex… followed by lots more sex until 6am.

At which point they went to sleep, woke up mid-morning …and had sex.

Then they vacated the room for what I understand to be much overworked and underpaid cleaners that go unaccredited after these sorts of events. Followed by a trip back to the John’s Place, …where they had sex.

Which was followed later that evening when John’s friend who was in town for a visit came over. And after being given the offer, he agreed to join them in a threesome, and more sex.

Poly is telling me all this at lunch on Monday. She explains how once the stopper is removed, the flood of the erotic takes some time to recede. And besides, Poly still had something to look forward to because plans have been put in place where an ex-lover of Johns is moving back to the city and after explaining all this to her, she has agreed to meet them later in the week for….

….a game of tennis.

No just kidding, they are going to have sex.

“Of course they’re not real!”

I exclaim whilst having lunch with Poly the other day. It’s only a few days out from the big swinger’s party, when she shows me the forum that all the registered guests are allowed onto. There’s lots of anticipation in the posts with most of the discussion about what people are going to wear, which is kind of weird when you consider that a core objective is to get naked.

Poly’s intending to wear a black strapless number that matches her lingerie. I ask if people wear masks, and party rules are that masks can be worn on upon arrival but shortly after, once the play starts, they come off. For the most part the safety/anonymous aspect is supported by the removal of all electronic devices. You also need to sign a non-disclosure agreement on entry which says you can’t discuss who was at the party. You can talk about your experience, but no specifics. Obviously, we need to be careful when writing this blog.

But apparently, in the pre-party online chat forum it seems ok to be a little bit less circumspect. One women posts a bathroom selfie, you know where the picture is taken into a mirror so that her body is in full view. Which of course was the point, because on display is a cosmetically perfect set of breasts. Poly is showing me the photo saying “look at the fake tits”. To which I reply, “Of course they’re not real”. This is something I know a bit about as my skepticism kicks in.

The woman’s face was expertly hidden behind the phone so that she could not be identified, almost like it was too well practiced. The other guests would not have been able to tell who she was, well except for her partner and maybe the plastic surgeon.

The breasts of course are not real, they were part of an upgrade, but she’s justifiably very pleased with her purchase. The other guests pile in and the forum is “going off”, probably in more ways than one. There is an expected response of barely contained desire, all polite and positive mind you, and followed a bit later by another photo of same woman only this time on her knees, legs spread wide facing the camera with all the fully shaven pink bits out on display.

The niggling sense of “something’s not quite right” continues to grow during our conversation, and it is only later that I was able to work out what was going on for me.

Pornography or erotica (which is just porn with a better storyline) are ok. However I “let go” of pornography in my twenties. What I’d come to realise was that it was all very very fake. I also saw the porn on the web was becoming increasingly hard core. This was over two decades ago mind you, and many have commented similarly since then, confirming my opinion.

The only thing that wasn’t fake was my reaction to it, and I realised that I had become the slow boiling frog in what is essentially just a commercial arrangement. I was only able to “let go” of pornography because trying to “give it up”, or “push it down” or “run from it” are how you fail completely. You need to get to know your shadow otherwise it will control you. It’s not very healthy otherwise.

It was in large part due to my ex-girlfriend at the time that I was able to let go. I had met her at uni years before and she was doing women’s studies along with law and politics, so the strong narrative about the objectification of women was front and centre, and I got both barrels whilst going out with her. Then after we broke up we continued to remain friends. It was several years later whilst speaking with her that she actually apologized. We were talking about porn when she said that porn was ok and she was sorry about the hard time she’d previously given me.

Hearing this from her was huge. It was a massive release and she even wanted me to copy the stuff I had so she could get a look. This was like a damn bursting on the guilt from years of indoctrination. It was ok. And to this day I contend that it is actually ok.

But the letting go happened a few months later when I also acknowledged that whilst erotic material was ok, there was also an incredibly strong undercurrent of manipulation in it. It was the unmitigated coercion of a basic human drive that sent me over the edge.

I hate being manipulated, so when I saw miss fake breasts in the photo on Poly’s phone, it occurred to me that it was probably a staged contribution. With approximately 30 couples due to attend the function, each paying a few hundred dollars, this is quite a money earner. It would therefore be in the best interest of the organisers to make the guests are excited and to prompt things along by astroturfing desire. It is my contention that the woman posting the nude selfies was hired to do so, either that or it’s a stock photo from somewhere else with commentary added, probably by an overweight middle-aged man with a receding hairline with day job writing those “true” stories for penthouse.

Still the forum obviously had the desired effect and poly is almost apoplectic with anticipation. She “can’t wait” for Saturday and is currently having sex at least once a day, but more frequently if possible. In addition it’s getting more difficult to fall asleep because this out of control train of rumination and expectation is unstoppable. She has all her tests back and all is good. In addition her partner John, after FINALLY being pulled to the doctors has his test results and they have also come back ok as well.

“Three more sleeps” she says, to which I remark, “assuming that you actually get to sleep.”

When we first went live with this blog, I didn’t sleep well at all. It seems I am more worried about putting it out there than Poly is. After registering the domain and putting the site together, I sent Poly all the login information and talked her through it over the phone. The site was not live at this point and I showed her how to edit and adjust the blog content. When that was done, I took her back to the main page on the admin portal and said “see that big blue button that says ‘Publish’?”, she replies “yes”. I continue “Right when you click on that button the site will be live. And I want you to have the pleasure of doing it.” Poly pressed the button and so here we are.

But still I worry.

Mostly this is because of the varied reactions I am getting to the idea of blogging about another person’s sex life and relationships. Most of my male friends that I’ve told have been generally supportive and quite interested. A few of the men who have recently divorced their high maintenance wives definitely saw the benefits of a conscious decision to avoid co-dependence. One guy however wasn’t that supportive, mostly because he is very heavily committed to being a new dad at the moment and it’s understandable that his mind is focused on that.

The women I have told however have for the most part been very critical and to quote the bard, “doth protest too much me thinks”. One simply refused to have anything to do with Poly, did not want to talk about it and is disgusted by all this hedonistic behaviour because it’s total waste of time and there are more pressing issues in the world. Another woman has just dismissed it with a comment saying to me “well it’s your life I guess and you can do whatever you want …even if it is a little bit perverse.”

Perverse?
Twisted?
Creepy?

When she said this, she also very quickly wanted to move onto other topics and not talk about it. But it left me wondering, am I being creepy blogging about Poly having sex?

About an hour later, my emotional brain had calmed down and the rational brain started to integrate what had happened. But the time had passed. Notwithstanding (and because you can do this sort of thing with a blog) here is what I wanted to say her:

“Hey, yeah. So I told an old friend about the Poly Vicarious blog and he was really intrigued. Then about a week later he starts to tell me about his failing marriage and how he is finally coming to grips with the fact that he is gay. Anyway he has been telling me about all his adventures on Grinder and, long story short, he would like me to do a blog about it.”

I can GUARANTEE that if this was the case instead, my female friends would absolutely support it.

Polyamory seems to be about 10 years behind the L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.Z.X..$%.W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R.D.U.D.E, because it is just not very well understood yet. To be called perverse was a bit hurtful and perhaps it would be better to let Poly explain what’s going on by way of this bit of transcript. These are her words, not mine, I just typed out the recording.

Poly: “I accept having two relationships, or more, at the same time with different people and I can accept the same in my partner. I get that you can get jealous momentarily, and then you sit with it and work through it in your head and I can do that, and I know what it is.

“For example, it doesn’t bother me that John is telling me about whatever her name is when we’re together and I feel happy when I can see that he has that connection with someone else and I honestly believe it has nothing to do with me, and it’s not my right for it to have anything to do with me. Like he’s his own person, his own entity, and there will be times when we’re together and times when we’re not and times when he’ll call and times when he won’t call.

“That’s why I identify more with poly (more than ‘open relationship’), because an ‘open relationship’ to me is monogamy where you can have sex with other people, and I don’t think that works. Even if you’re open about it, it still won’t work because I don’t think you can have sex, constantly, with other people, and it’s never going to fuck up. And that’s what I think has happened with James. It’s ok because it’s an open relationship, and that’s what I always use to think, but now I’ve seen what the reality of that is and I just don’t think they (open relationships) work.

“I use to think that you can only have one person that you can have sex with but then you’re going to meet other people that you’re going to connect with, it’s just part of life. You’re not going to only connect with one person and then it’s only going to end up in deceit. So I don’t think open relationships works for me, but I don’t what to shove something like polyamory down other people’s throats, because people do have successful (monogamous) relationship. However, monogamy is like yoga and is something that you choose to practice, and it’s hard. Like yoga is not for me, but it could be for someone else, and like monogamy may be for other people but it takes a lot of work and dedication to do that, I don’t think everyone can. …..I can’t.

“And that’s the thing, even if I go through various stages in other relationships, I don’t think I can go back to monogamy. Like I can say that now. And if I met someone and they were wanting monogamy, I couldn’t be constrained by that anymore.

“There’s this woman, you’d love her, called Wednesday Martin and she’s like a sex researcher, scientist really, she’s written this book called “Untrue”, about female sexuality, her argument is that women actually struggle with monogamy more than men and that we are designed to have multiple partners. And she’s got this whole book about it and I have to read it.

“There is a period in any relationship between year 1 and year 4 where women stop being interested in sex, and they think ‘I’m just a typical woman who no longer want’s sex’, but you still want sex, you just don’t want it with your partner. And it’s so fucking true! And like in my relationship with Ed he’s like ‘you don’t want to have sex’, and I’m thinking ‘yes I do, I just don’t want to have sex with you’, … and I KNEW THAT AT THE TIME! ” …end.

So at this this point, it’s worth considering what this means. It was actually hard for me to hear, even as an observer because I had been on the receiving end of this many years ago with my first girlfriend. Actually most women don’t want to have sex with me, but this particular one did, and then she stopped.

She had met another guy and found him interesting, so she tells me that it’s not really over between us, it’s just that she wants to explore something with him. She wanted to live with him and I even helped her move (damn that mattress was heavy). What was happening for me though was the overwhelming sense of feeling rejected. And this is the key, because…

Jealousy does not exist.

Because there is always one or more other emotions that are the real drivers behind this thing we call jealousu. But jealousy is more like an “emotion complex” (if that’s not yet a phase then you heard it here first fellow vicarians). We deny ourselves the chance to learn about what is causing the pain because we just dismiss it as simple jealousy. This over-simplification means we don’t get to understand what we are actually feeling and therefor what we need to work on.

With my ex, I was feeling rejected, so I should have worked on what that meant. I wasn’t actually rejected because our relationship continued and this other guy turned out to possessive and controlling. She ended up having to move out (the mattress was even heavier trying to get down that rickety stairs at the back of the flat).

Our relationship continued for a time. And we did separate after her trip overseas. She has since married and had kids and is now absolutely certain that she is monogamous, but because of that unique connection we had, we will always be very good friends. Oh and by the way, she told me that she doesn’t ever want her hubby to know that we dated…. See, monogamy leads us to lie people!

Now as Poly tells me about the “echo effect” of her relationships, where a current partner reminds her of a previous partner, I think it’s important to understand the pattern because that’s where the clues are to our inner work.

My ex, by shacking up with another guy, gave me the chance to work on feeling rejected and through that I’ve come to experience part of Polyamory before it was even a thing.

The echo of my previous relationship informs me about this one with Poly, and that’s why I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, despite what the critics say.

So, because I still have a lot to learn about myself … I’m glad I know Poly.

It’s becoming difficult to do this blog.

We’ve moved from the occasional chat to weekly updates over lunch where I need to record the conversation with Poly. I’m amazed that she is OK with this and feel honoured that she trusts me with the recordings. After the conversation, I transpose the recording before deleting it. Sorry about that if you were hoping for more, but the good news is that Poly wants to do a podcast at some point in order to help explain how her life has changed and continues to change.

With the notes and transcribed material, I extract what stands out as the most relevant and meaningful points and write the entries. However it’s taking a real toll on me and the best way to describe the nature of this burden is to quote Samuel Coleridge and the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner: “Water, water everywhere, Nor any drop to drink”.

So it begs the real question of why I am putting myself through this. I’ll be honest there is titillation sure, it is very interesting content and I am fundamentally challenged by a women who clearly enjoys sex and forming that strong connection with other people. But in addition to these things, there also appears to be a tsunami in the making as I’m seeing people begin to address their preconceived notions of what relationships are. When I discuss relationships with other people the same issues keep coming up. People are happy when they first meet someone and get the rush of hormones, and for the honeymoon period all is good with the world, but inevitably this feeling dies away. Sure people will say this is normal, but the question I’m asking myself if “Why ?”

Why does it go stale? Why do we need more and more? Why do we get bored?”

Some relationships become stable over time, but it seems more just move from stale to broken. You can address this with counseling and add things to spice up the love life, but apart from being fodder for glossy magazine covers, do these interventions actually address the underlying problems. You might turn to porn or toys, but the “Why” is still there. You might try sex with new people, but the why is still there. You might have been cast as hetero by your family but then come out as gay, but the “why” is still there. You might get into fetish, you might try orgies or any number of other escapes. But the “why” around the loss of desire and the gaining of new desire is still there.

What has amazed me more and more is the degree to which some people find a solution to this dilemma of disinterest by shopping around and cheating on their partner. This annoys me for a couple of reasons, firstly because they should be grateful they even have a partner as many people do not, and secondly this is rank dishonesty not only against their partner but also against themselves.

The reason Poly broke off things with James is because he was clearly in a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend and lying to her about it. He would tell Poly that “Oh no, she is OK with the open relationship” but when you dig deeper, and Poly did, it became apparent that James and his girlfriend Susan had come to the conclusion that whilst their relationship was important, James had greater sexual needs than Susan.

When Poly described this to me and it seemed that Susan is putting up with James’s behavior out of fear that he will leave all together. She blames her IUD for the low sex drive, and I’ve heard other women say the Pill can also have this effect. It may also be the case that not everyone is going to have the same level of libido, but whatever the cause, James is claiming that Susan is OK with the “open” part of the relationship because otherwise “he won’t get his needs met.”

Let’s be clear, if this is what’s happening, then this is abuse.

Its abuse because Susan is essentially stuck in a co-dependent relationship and James is taking advantage of it. Hang-on, that may be a bit unfair to Susan, let’s say that again. Susan wants to have an exclusive trusting relationship with one other person. If your partner want’s monogamy then guess what buster, you’re monogamous. It’s that simple. It’s not “open” just because you want it to be. This is because the other person’s subjectivity is involved. It’s not polyamory, it’s cheating.

It’s probably clear that I have pretty high opinion of Poly, but it increased when she explains to me the depth of the connection with James, about how much it hurt to push him away, and one of the reasons for doing this was because she did not want another woman to be suffering on her account. Of course the other reason was because James was lying and basically being a dick.

We know that he lied to Susan which means he’s probably also lied to Poly. However, what’s also clear is that James is lying to himself. He should be doing his own “work”, that is the inner work we all have to do in order to make sense of the world we are in. Instead of coming to terms what it means to be polyamorous, if indeed this is what he wants, I get the sense that James enjoys “the game” of it all.

The game here is the conquest of women, and it is a particular form of misogyny that relegates women to being objects of desire. The philandering around is just a way that he delays doing his own inner work around connection, or intimacy, or shame, or that deep self-loathing he has, or whatever.

You can’t run from the “why”, it’ll just keep coming to find you.

Poly made the point the other day that being Polyamorous still means you have to do the inner work. Often in the media, and in the world “out there” (you know, Norm’s world), we get the impression that once you’ve got all the boxes ticked, then it should be all good. Once you have a partner, the house, the job, the car, the kids, the 15 foot High Definition TV with polyphonic surround sound, once you have all these things then it should be OK.

But it isn’t.

And deep down, in the recess of our mind, we know that isn’t. You know that it isn’t. This is because the pull to do the inner work is still there. Monogamy can sometimes become co-dependence and it can put a fresh coat of paint over the rising damp on the wall of our inner world. We can fall back on that person we are connected with, in that bed of each other’s company, in that safe groove of familiarity. And slowly that groove becomes a rut, which deepens and widens to a hole that becomes a dark chasm, and you are stuck down the bottom of that pit with the lyrics from Talking Heads rolling around, you ask, “well! …how did I get here?”

Sure, you can still try to avoid your stuff AND be polyamorous, which is maybe what John is doing, however it becomes more difficult to run away from your stuff. The nature of multiple parallel connections means that your stuff is thrown into contrast. How you are with one person will differ to how you are with another person. It is this contrast that offers you a perspective denied the couple in a monogamous relationship. You could develop this same contrast within an open relationship or through cheating, but Polyamory has a lot more integrity because you’re being honest with other people, just as you’re being more honest with yourself.

The gradual awakening in Poly was that she realised she not monogamous. Poly found that a deep connection was available with more than one person, and these very different connections began to show up different perspectives on herself through the inherent contrast they offer. It was in this way that Poly has been able really hone in on her own stuff around intimacy, independence, abandonment, lust, jealousy and even love.

But the work doesn’t end there.