What would it be like to be in swingers’ party? Well for me to hear Poly talk about this, let’s just say I would feel …uncomfortable.
This is just me mind you, not Poly. No Poly feels excited by it all.
So for a swingers’ party, the first difficulty is with making sure that it’s safe. No phones, no cameras, and everyone wearing protection, although it is commonplace for partners not to use condoms between themselves.
However then you have to navigate the language.
For example, rather than say “fucking”, it is more widely accepted vernacular to say that people “play”. Sounds much nicer doesn’t it. The former just seems obscene when compared to the gentler later term. You could also say “having sex”, but even that is too explicit, and besides it doesn’t really cover the entire range of activities that go on. “Play” is a much better way of saying it. And it wouldn’t be entirely correct to call it a euphemism either, I mean it is a euphemism, but it’s also just, well, play.
In most swinger clubs and parties it is the women who decide whether to play or not. Men (according to the rules) must not approach women and must wait to be invited. Consent is extremely important in the swingers scene. However it doesn’t have to be explicit – a simple smile back or head nod to continue talking to someone and both parties can probably ascertain the meaning. Sometimes it is very direct such as with an actual quote from a party that Poly attended “My girlfriend and I would like you to help me DP her”. Like all subsets of society, acronyms are created, this one stand for Double Penetrate.
No’s are generally fairly straightforward and simple and no one takes offense (generally).
Most swingers’ events and parties will prohibit single men. To be invited to a party, as a male, you need to be partnered with a female. That said, it’s seen as perfectly ok for a women to turn up by themselves, in fact a single women at a swingers party is considered to be rare and so they are obviously referred to as “unicorns”. Cute right?
Poly related a story about another woman who had a rather basic whip with her, a whip that doesn’t actually hurt at all. It was just a prop for the “playing”. This woman invites Poly to gently whip her to show how light it is, when a guy comes over. He starts to get a bit too close and a bit too eager, at which point the woman turns towards the approaching man and says a very loud and a very clear “And YOU can just FUCK OFF!”, holding up a hand to point at him in a very unambiguous denial of consent. At which point the guy turns to leave without saying a word. I can only imagine that he knew the rules, as clearly laid out by past experience, and he knew he could be cut off at any minute without any recourse or appeal. And of course it’s ironic the harsh use of the word “FUCK” does have a place in the vernacular.
The language makes it clear that the women have a consenting veto power. When Poly first attended a swinger’s nightclub, it didn’t take long to realise that it was the normal behavior in this world. Not only do women have absolute power of veto, they are also seen as the ones who initiate the play. It is the female who decides what she would like, and it is the female who should initiate the contact. In telling me about this, Poly indicated that whilst it was seen as the woman’s role to initiate play, occasionally the man would start up the interaction but almost always they have a partner or their playmate (not everyone attends with a ‘partner’ per se but sometimes just a playmate) by their side.
As a microcosm of society the contrast is stark. Women seem to hold all the power, men seem to be adornments but are OK with that because they get to have sex. There is significantly less hostility, no violence to speak of apart from the occasional play whipping. It is a subset of rules and behaviours that would make it a gynecocracy (yep, that’s actually a word, I just looked it up).
Outsiders seem to imagine that a swinger’s event is a free-for-all, however it’s anything but. Sure there is often a room at the event which is dedicated to an “all-in” entanglement of naked body parts, but for Poly this sort of happening is decidedly unappealing. And to be honest it rather put me off just hearing about it, because it mandates an assumed bisexuality although Poly assures me people generally feel this out (so to speak) and the assumption of bisexuality is not made. Instead, Poly is more interested in meeting other couples that were similar to her, where they feel a connection between them and where they can retire to a more private affair.
Digging a bit deeper however, there is also a familiar echo of what is understood as the wider society.
When asked about who plays with whom, Poly indicated that people who attend these events would come from a very broad cross section of society. There were all sorts, all ages, all shapes and sizes, however generally it was a case that “like plays with like”. So that younger people would play with younger, older with older, large with large and so on. I also got the distinct impression that this was entirely consistent with wider social norms.
I’ve not asked yet, and to some extent I dread finding out, but I suspect that “attractive” will generally play with “attractive”. For me this is something that stirs strong emotions and I really need to ask Poly next time we meet, because it leads to the reason why I would be so uncomfortable at a swinger’s event. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a part of me that would love to go, however the discomfort would be too great because I’d probably just suffer the same rejection as I’ve done my entire life.
I’ve been to parties where people talk up big about hooking up, but not for me. I’ve been to clubs when I was younger, where friends would say “it’s a total pick up joint” but that was never my experience. I’ve never even been able to say “hi” or introduce myself without fumbling for words. I mean, shit, it’s only one word right, “Hi”, but even that eludes me. And even if I was able to screech out a “Hi” at two octaves above my normal vocal range, I’d still be completely lost afterwards. Any confidence I’ve ever had has been beaten down by relentless rejection in dating sites. And so that a younger audience gets it, I’ve been swiped left to death, or is it right, I actually don’t know because by the time the swipe apps came out I’d just given up.
This is why going to a swinger’s event would be uncomfortable. I’d be so worried that I’d end up being that guy who’s told to fuck off. Sure the language is cool, and they use nicer words, and there are strong confident females who don’t mind taking the lead, which in my book is just unbelievably hot, but I’m pretty sure the same drivers exist there that occur in the wider world, and let’s be real here, it probably wouldn’t change a thing.