Poly and I had dinner the other night, and the venue was cool, the food was awesome, the conversation was great but then we separated and simple went home. Poly confessed that she wanted to make sure she didn’t try to hook up with anyone that evening on her way home (i.e. call up one of her playmates) and so had left her legs unshaven. Probably because I’ve never really liked Bridget Jones Diary, I wasn’t aware of this sort of behavior, but she informs me that it’s a basic way of enforcing the “I’m not going to have sex tonight” criteria for an evening out. It is also an indicator as to our relationship, I’m the unshaven leg guy.
I was feeling sorry for myself, and wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it all, but I soon got re-engaged when Poly starts sending me texts the following morning about a new guy (let’s call him Jerry) who has been doing a full on “player” number on Poly.
Adam is still around, but the party is done and their relationship is sort of ok-ish (more on Adam next week). But Jerry is new. And, Jerry is a player. And Jerry is really really good at it.
For instance, he will make plans and then have to cancel them at the last minute. This frustrates the hell out of Poly, which naturally, only makes him more desirable.
By contrast there is also another newbie in Poly’s life (William) who is also good looking, nice, honest and will turn up as planned. William is not at all “bad”. And, yeah, …not so interesting.
So I’m getting all these texts about Jerry and he’s got Poly completely hooked. I listen to the rant and respond to console and help make sense of it. Then they make further plans and again, BAM! He’s made a mistake and has to fly off somewhere saying “sorry babe, just fucked up, can’t get out of it”. And so I get another dump of texts around this guy that she now really REALLY want’s, but who’s also a complete flake.
But you have to ask, what the fuck is going on?
It’s taken a while to sift through it all, and I’ve been ruminating on this dilemma about how this misogynistic “treat-them-mean, keep-them-keen” approach seems to work so well. Anyway, I wrote the following email to poly in the hope of making sense of all this. It was never intended to go into the blog, but Poly suggested it would be great, because it “is extremely comprehensive and your knowledge and ability to apply it keeps blowing my mind!”. Well at least I’m blowing her mind in one respect : ). Anyway this is what I wrote:
Hi Poly
Wanted to lay this out more comprehensively in the hope it will help. When looking at the issue with Jerry, I suspect the problem is one of Classical Conditioning that you probably are not aware of. There is a wiki page on this that may offer more on the underlying principle:
So here’s what may be happening.
Explained through Pavlov’s infamous dog, the bell ring (conditioned stimulus) is associated with the food being placed in front of the dog so that the dog then anticipates the taste of the food (unconditioned stimulus) and thus salivates (unconditioned response). Over time with repetition, the bell will cause the dog to salivate without the food being presented (conditioned response).
So in a human, anxiety, fear or excitement can cause the release of Adrenaline. The adrenaline helps us by refocusing and creating energy in the body as it is required for escaping, fight or flight. It is also present when excited because it provides energy that enhances the excitement and allows us to fully capitalise on it.
The anticipation of Sex can cause the release of Dopamine, which is the neurotransmitter that is used to motivate behavior. In a natural system there is a motivation to eat, feel safe, avoid pain, feel pleasure, have sex etc., and it is dopamine that drives these sorts of reward seeking behaviors.
Through his own history and experience, Jerry has acquired a set of behaviors that makes him act in a certain way that essentially works well for him with certain (most) individuals. It allows him to control his world by creating chaos in other peoples’ world. And it may work like this.
The chaos of the situation will trigger an adrenaline rush in you. This is in part due to the need to be organised and also maybe be due to the fear of being rejected or abandoned. Or it could be both.
But the adrenaline may also be acting as an independent or Conditioned Stimulus to the dopamine. It is associated because there have been enough instances of the two occurring at the same time for it to be associated. The presence of this adrenaline over time has been paired with the dopamine, such that the set of behaviors he exhibits is also acting to make him MORE desirable.
Chaos — > Anxiety/Excitement –> Adrenaline (Bell Ringing)
Desire for Sex –> Dopamine (Food)
Having Sex (Salivation / eating food)
His actions in creating chaos and uncertainty will trigger this conjoined adrenal-dopamine response in you.
However, predictability and certainty (with nice guy William) do not trigger this adrenal-dopamine response in you, instead you get just the normal arousal from the expectation of sex. It’s ok, but it’s not “GREAT!” to paraphrase your words.
So when Jerry creates chaos, it increases the physiological response in you that is associated with sex. You’ve also indicated that you like men to take charge and be a bit dominant in sex. In addition, it could be that a man with a high passion quotient would also be more desirable. To my way of thinking these other factors may also create an enhancing effect in the dopamine response.
Simply put, Jerry’s behavior creates MORE dopamine than someone who has their shit together. On a personal note, it’s also why someone like me who prefers a woman to take charge and be dominant would be a complete turn off. There is absolutely nothing to get excited about there. Like the other nice guys, they’re “nice”, but they are not an overwhelming-must-have-it-NOW !!!
So what do you do about it?
Don’t know, it’s really hard to break conditioning, particularly when the response is seemingly random (as with gambling). You could look up how to break conditioning online, but my only suggestion is to:
Notice as it occurs -> Reflect -> Notice …etc
and repeat until something shifts
I’m calling it the “Bad-Boy-Is-A-Bell” theory of why assholes are much more successful with women, and whilst thinking that the Operant Condition model is probably more correct than Classical Conditioning, there is less alliteration in “bad-boy induced adrenaline is a positive reinforcer for dopamine in sex.” Just doesn’t have the same “ring” to it.
Of course, I could be completely wrong.
It’s just a theory.